The Same Argument, Over and Over – Why Couples Get Stuck in Patterns
by Birgit Huvendieck · Sound Massage & Relaxation Braunschweig
You probably know the feeling.
An argument begins – and within moments you know: we have had this so many times before. The same subject, the same words, the same wall. One withdraws, the other pushes forward. Or the other way around. And in the end you are exhausted – by the argument itself, and by the feeling that nothing changes.
I know this feeling from my own experience. And I hear it almost every day from the couples who come to me.
The good news: there is a reason for it. And there is a way out.
Why couples keep falling into the same patterns
When couples are stuck, it is rarely about the subject of the argument. It is almost always about what lies beneath it.
Terry Real, the founder of RLT – Relational Life Therapy – calls it the "adaptive child": the part of us that learned in childhood how to deal with pain, rejection or overwhelm. This part protected us back then. It made sure we got through difficult moments.
The problem is: it is still active. Even though we are long since adults.
When your partner says something that feels like criticism – even if that is not what they mean at all – it is not the calm adult in you who responds. It is the child who learned: criticism means rejection. Rejection means danger. And then comes the defence, the withdrawal, the outburst – completely automatically, very quickly, before the rational mind can even engage.
Your partner has their own such part. And suddenly it is not two adults speaking to each other – but two children, both frightened, both fighting.
The dance you didn't choose
RLT calls this dynamic a "dance" – a relationship pattern that has worn itself into the fabric of the relationship because both partners keep making the same moves. Not out of ill will. But because it is what they know.
One pushes forward, because they want closeness and fear distance. The other withdraws, because they experience closeness as a threat and need space. The first pushes more. The other withdraws further. A circle that keeps turning – and that does not stop on its own.
What makes this dance so persistent: it is not rational. You cannot think your way out of it or argue your way past it. Insight alone is often not enough. Because the patterns sit deeper than the mind – in the nervous system, in the body, in what we learned to feel before we could speak.
What really helps in RLT coaching
This is the point where Relational Life Therapy begins – and where it differs from many other approaches.
It is not about communicating better. Not about listening more or criticising less – although all of that has its place. It is about recognising the dance and interrupting it. Understanding what is triggered in you and in your partner – and why.
RLT works on two levels simultaneously: it looks at which early experiences are shaping today's reactions – while at the same time staying close to what can change right now. The Relational Life Institute describes it this way: first wake up and honestly name the patterns, then heal the wounds that lie behind them – and finally learn the concrete skills to maintain connection in everyday life.
In my work with couples I often ask: what is the oldest thing you are feeling right now? Not the trigger of today – but what lies beneath it. Where does this feeling know itself from before?
This question changes something. Because it takes the argument out of the present moment and makes visible what it really is: an echo. Not an attack from your partner – but an old wound making itself heard.
When both partners understand this – truly understand it, not just in their heads – something different arises. Compassion instead of defence. Curiosity instead of accusation. And suddenly it is no longer a battle, but a looking together.
Our relationship as a biosphere
Terry Real speaks of our relationships as our biosphere – the ecosystem in which we breathe, grow, flourish or wither. Just as a forest that has fallen out of balance needs particular attention, a relationship too sometimes needs someone from outside who can see what is happening within.
As someone who was originally an ecologist, this image moves me deeply. Everything is connected. How we treat each other reflects how we treat ourselves – and how we stand in relation to the world around us. To heal a relationship is not only to help two people. It is to strengthen a small part of the great web of life.
When is the right moment for couples counselling?
Many couples wait too long. They hope it will get better on its own. That the next holiday, the next quiet weekend, the next good phase will untie the knot.
Sometimes it does. Usually not.
The longer a pattern exists, the deeper it sits. That does not mean it cannot change – quite the opposite. But looking sooner is a sign of strength, not weakness.
I say this not as an appeal. I say it because I know what it feels like to wait – and what it feels like when something finally shifts.
Would you like to know more?
My practice is at An der Paulikirche 7 in Braunschweig. Sessions take place in person or via Zoom – in German and English.
If you recognise yourself in this article – if you notice that you too know a dance you would dearly like to bring to an end – you are welcome to simply get in touch. A first conversation is without obligation, no programme, just seeing whether it feels right.
Birgit Huvendieck is a certified RLT coach after Terry Real, sound massage practitioner and rest therapist in Braunschweig. Since 2013 she has accompanied people and couples on the path toward more calm, vitality and fulfilling relationships – in person and online, in German and English.